Commander Joanna Irving, USN

 

     Joanna turned the corner and paused outside the sickbay door, unable to put her hand on the knob and turn it.

     Inside she would find young Ensign Sandstrom, the young man who’d succumbed to his own fear. He’d frozen on the bridge when the Chinese corvette opened fire. She didn’t know what to say to him. 

     Joanna had grown up in a Navy family. Her father and grandfather had both been captains. Her father had served on river gunboats in Vietnam. Her grandfather had first been a destroyer man in World War II, later rising to command a cruiser in Tokyo Bay at war’s end. Comparing what they’d been through with what Sandstrom had experienced this morning, a wave of nausea washed over her.

     He was a coward.

     Sighing, she turned the knob and entered.

     Sandstrom looked up from the chair, then jumped to his feet, rigidly at attention, eyes locked to the clock that stood on the bulkhead across from where he’d sat.

     “At ease,” she said. “Have a seat.”

     He relaxed into an at ease position, but did not sit. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. She shook her head.

     “I said sit down, Sandstrom.”

     He stalled and looked quickly sideways at her. Licking his lips, he finally sat on the edge of the seat, back stiffly straight.

     She stared at him, then leaned against the sickbed across from where he sat. Finally, she said, “Okay, tell me what the hell happened?”

     Sandstrom closed his eyes and licked his lips again. He opened his mouth, then closed it, staring at his shoes.

     “I’m waiting. Out with it.” She couldn’t keep the sneer from her voice. She sighed, then crossed her arms across her chest. “Look, I don’t have all day. I need to get back to the captain ASAP, tell him what we ought to do with you.”

     His eyes rose and met hers. They threatened to overflow, but they were wide no longer. She thought she saw a spark of anger.

     “I froze, Ma’am. That’s the short of it.” His hands began to twist in his lap. 

     “Yeah, and? Is that it? That what you want me to tell the CO?” She rose to stand, leaning toward him. “So what are we going to do with you? You want to go home? Your parents going to be proud of you if we send you home?” She closed her eyes, stood back, and took a breath. “Look, there’s no way to send you home right now. The Ops-O says he needs you on the watch bill. But I don’t think we ought to have someone we can’t trust standing watch. What can you say to me that will change my mind?”

     Sandstrom gave a shake of his head. “Nothing, I guess. Sounds like you have your mind made up, Ma’am.”

     She stared at him. She’d expected him to be cowed, subordinated. Not angry and defensive. “What the fuck does that mean?” she asked.

     Sighing, Sandstrom stood back to parade rest. “It means that you can trust me to stand my watch, Ma’am. It won’t happen again.”

     She shook her head. “That’s not good enough. You saying it isn’t enough. I need to know why you froze. Are you scared? Didn’t you think about possible danger before you joined the Navy?”

     Setting his face, he answered, “Yes, Ma’am, I did.”

     Silence settled in the space. Finally, she said, “You haven’t convinced me. I’m recommending the CO confine you to your stateroom until we get to the next port. That’s all.” She moved to leave.

     “Did you read my bio, Ma’am? Do you really want to know what happened?” He stared at her now.

     “Okay, tell me. Refresh my memory of your bio.”

     He put his head back for a moment before he began. “I was a cop, Ma’am, in Boston. Two years ago, my partner and I responded to a robbery at a liquor store, broad daylight. Caller said the perp wasn’t armed. The caller was wrong. In fact, turned out the ‘caller’ was one of the bad guys, and they were both armed. My partner got out of the car a few seconds before me, weapon drawn, but the bad guys, they were ready. They opened fire just as my partner stood straight up. Took three to the chest and one to the head. I was lucky, still behind the car. I took one to the shoulder and one grazed my neck. I got off five rounds. But they’d headed out the other door.” He shook his head. “It was an ambush, a setup. They were looking to kill a cop that day. And they did.” He stared at her. 

     It was her turn to swallow, to try to get rid of the lump. “So why join the Navy?”

     He laughed. “Believe it or not, I thought it was safer. I’d at least know if someone was gunning for me.” His face got serious again. “But I did think about it, Ma’am. I just couldn’t go out on the streets again. My partner had two kids, three and five. Her husband was a fireman, left to take care of them.” He shook his head. “I’m not afraid of dying. But I want it to mean something. When the Chinese ship started shooting, I had a flashback. That won’t happen again. I know it.”      He stared hard at her, meeting her eyes. “I know it.” He turned back to parade rest. “You tell the captain I can go back on duty as soon as Doc says I’m clear. I’ve got the reveille watch tomorrow. I plan on standing it.”

     She blinked and swallowed again. After a moment, she said, “Okay, Sandstrom. I’ll tell him.”